halloween_safety

1985 edition

The film starts with funky music and Halloween masks floating in the darkness.

The narrator is a Jack-O-Lantern who is concerned for our safety. He uses a soft voice. I think he might be a poet or a yoga instructor. He is very sensitive.

He says he likes getting his insides scooped out. He says that it tickles. Then he explains how a child’s hand gets gooey after scooping out the insides of a pumpkin.

He gives some other safety advice. It’s boring stuff. He hates vandals. He gets very emotional about kids who stomp on pumpkins.

Most of the movie is filmed at dusk. The shots are dark and confusing and slightly blue, which looks eerie and beautiful. I wish more movies were filmed in this way.

The children in the movie seem worried the entire time. I like to imagine the director was coughing up blood while they were filming.

1977 edition

This one gives a lot of the same boring advice.

And none of the kids have cool costumes. They all look like clowns.

The narrator is a lady with pleasant voice.

Most of the shots at night are so dark you can’t see what the hell’s going on.

1950 edition

Most of this movie takes place inside. The kids barely leave the house. One kids costume is just a paper bag with a cat face drawn on it. He rips it and cries and its really disturbing. To cheer him up his mom wraps a blanket around him and puts a bunch of makeup on his face. I don’t know why.

Finally they get outside. But they don’t go trick or treating. A bunch of kids just skip around in a circle. Blanket boy hands out balloons. I guess that’s how they celebrated shit back in the day.

1890 edition

Film didn’t exist back in the 1800s. So I don’t know how they made this movie.

It all takes place outside. Its dark. The footage looks blue. Its hard to tell whats going on. The audio is bad. An elderly voice warns us about Jack-O-Lanterns. “They will slime us all,” he says. Then he starts crying.

“Where are my balloons?” a kid says. “We need balloons to chase the ghosts. Give us our fucking balloons.”

The footage looks burnt and bubbly for a moment.

Then we are back outside. This old man is leading children through a forest. Its daytime. Colorful leaves cover the ground. The children are dressed in robes. They look itchy. The old man lead them  straight into the forest. They find a swamp. They say it’s not really a swamp though. It’s a time machine. Whatever. They get in.

They head to the future. They end up in a corn field. They make their way through the tall stalks of corn. They find a farm house with another old man sitting on his porch. He is reading Clive Cussler.

The children surround the man.

“Be careful,” the man says. “Its Halloween. Dogs will find you. They will chew on your face.”

The children nod.

“Then again. Everything dies right. I remember most of you. That’s how old I am. The dogs haven’t caught me yet.”

 

 

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